


Loving You, Loving Me

by pleasuredhearts



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Break Up, Friends to Lovers, Identity Issues, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Roommates, Self-Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:42:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24762544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pleasuredhearts/pseuds/pleasuredhearts
Summary: -Inspired by the Insta Live that Xiaojun did where my mans apologized for having such a difficult name that English speakers couldn't pronounce.Having moved to America from China, Xiaojun couldn't understand why everyone felt the need to pick on him. His memories of growing up are of people whispering and teasing him for his name, his face, his lunch, his inability to speak English. As much as he loved being Chinese, he wanted to fit in, and he found himself changing little by little to become someone else. Someone more American. However, when Xiaojun goes to college and meets someone who shows him that there are beautiful things about him that can be loved.
Relationships: Qian Kun/Xiao De Jun | Xiao Jun, Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas/Xiao De Jun | Xiao Jun
Comments: 7
Kudos: 31





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! This is my third fic. I've been in a bit of a slump but here it is. Ik there is a lot going on rn (I'm in America) so I hope all of you are first and foremost keeping safe and healthy regardless of what you are doing.
> 
> I've been getting into Wayv (read: Xiaojun) this week and I saw his insta live a couple of days ago about him trying to teach people how to pronounce his name. There was a part where he said something along the lines of how it's his fault that his name is so difficult to pronounce and something made me a little sad. Idk if he meant it in a sad way but growing up in America, my Asian-American experience has been trying to reconcile the Asian and American aspects of myself and so I wanted to write this. It's my first time tackling an identity topic so I hope it's okay. The majority of these life experiences are based on my own life experiences (rip). I'm thinking there will be some light angst I hope you don't hate me for it. I'll also be updating ratings as I go ahead. That's all! Comments and kudos are always appreciated!

_ “Look at that freak” _

_ “What’s his name again? Chowjween? His name is kind of ugly” _

_ “Just like him. Why are his eyes so small? Can he even see?” _

_ “Who knows? He doesn’t even speak English” _

_ “What a loser” _

_ “Did you see his lunch? It looked like dogmeat” _

_ “Hey guys, watch this. Go back to China, you chink!” _

Xiaojun opened the door, hoping his mom wasn’t home. To his luck, she wasn’t. He quickly hurried upstairs to his room before closing the door and throwing himself on his bed. He wanted to cry, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t cry. Not when he couldn’t understand the words that were being thrown at him. It had been about 4 years since his family moved to America, yet his progress with English was slow. Even though he was getting top marks in his English classes, his classmates would speak too fast for him to understand. However, a part of him was relieved that he couldn’t understand. The points, the whispers, the side glances, and the looks of disgust were enough. The way no one sat with him at lunch or played with him. The way people would act like he wasn’t there and cut him in line or push him out of the way. He couldn’t understand. His parents and his brother loved him and doted on him. Why was it so hard for everyone else to do so?

A few hours later, he heard the door open and close. The sound of his parents and his brother began to fill the house. He could smell the take out they had brought. He craved a good home-cooked meal, but with both of his parents working, take out became more and more common. He came downstairs to find the rest of his family setting the table and taking their seats. He joined them.

When his mom noticed his arrival, she broke out into a warm smile before greeting him in their native Cantonese.

“Xiaojun, how was your day at school?”

“It was good, Ma. The classes are fun. It’s still hard to make friends, but I think it’s just because I’m still getting used to speaking in English.”

His dad nodded in approval.

“That’s good. Don’t worry about making friends. Focus on your grades. Friends can come whenever.”

Xiaojun nodded and started eating. He had tried to bring it up with his parents before, the teasing that he received. Each time he was met with his parents urging him to focus on studying harder instead of worrying about what everyone else thought of him. At this point, it wasn’t even worth bringing up again to his parents. They had given up so much to bring the family to America; the least he could do was follow their wishes and try hard in school.

_ “America...4 years later and it still feels weird on my tongue. How long will it take until I feel like I belong?” _


	2. Chapter 2

“Hi everyone! My name is Valerie, and I’m so excited to be your orientation leader! I hope you guys are all excited because we have so much to do! Before we start, let’s go around and say our names and just introduce yourselves a bit. You can say, like, your hometown, what you like to do. You know, just the usual things. I’ll go first. So, my name is Valerie. I’m double majoring in Computer Science and Media Studies. I’m from Virginia, and I like to dance. Now, let’s start counterclockwise!”

As the next person went (Brianna or something), Xiaojun swallowed nervously. He began to get flashbacks to when he was younger, how he would introduce himself and have people laugh at his name. How people would wrinkle their eyes in confusion. When he could finally understand the comments that people were making about his name, his lunch, his face, he began to change himself. Before, it was easy to convince himself that maybe everyone around him was talking about something entirely. However, with a better understanding English, he began to understand the full harshness of what people thought about him. Wanting to save his heart from the pain, wanting to save his own pride, he began to call himself different names he thought were easier for his classmates to pronounce. Caught in his thoughts, he didn’t realize that everyone was staring at him.

_ Shit. Here it goes _ .

“Hi everyone! My name is Xiaojun, but you can call me XJ or just Jun. I know Xiaojun can be hard to pronounce.”

He gave a nervous laugh as everyone around him broke into a polite smile.

“I’m planning on studying Music. I really like to sing, but we’ll see if I can make a living out of it.”

At this, everyone laughs in understanding. Xiaojun takes a deep sigh of relief. No one seemed particularly hostile.

It had taken a lot. When he went to high school, Xiaojun vowed to stop being a victim. At first, he tried to explain his name. 

However, he began to realize that people still struggled with the phonetics. They would stutter when they called out to him or hesitate, instead opting to just poke him rather than attempting to be wrong. He didn’t care if someone called him the wrong name, but the way that people seemed to avoid saying his name began to eat away at him. He began to be ashamed of his own Chinese identity and decided to fix himself to fit in with everyone else. As he grew up, he started to grow into his own features and, despite his height, he became rather attractive. He asked his mom to stop making him lunch, telling him that she shouldn’t have to push herself so hard. These two changes caused people to want to go get closer to him. By calling himself XJ, people began to call his name. They began to start conversations with him. And people began to like him. By then, he had become fluent in English, and he found himself with everything that the younger him had craved for when he was younger.

After a long day of icebreakers, polite smiles, presentations and small conversations, Xiaojun came back to his dorm room and collapsed onto the bed. It had been a long day, and he had classes tomorrow. There was some bonding event that night or something for the other freshmen, but he was tempted to just skip it so that he could sleep. He had a 10:00 A.M. lecture tomorrow and the last thing he wanted was to be late for his first college class ever. He looked to the side to find his roommate’s side empty. His roommate was an international student and was coming in later that day. Xiaojun felt the familiar pull in his stomach that always came with meeting new people. He wanted to be here to welcome his roommate and help him settle in, but he always got nervous about trying to make the right impression whenever he met someone new. In the middle of his thoughts, Xiaojun heard the familiar beep of someone about to enter his room. He sat up right when the door opened. There was a man, a very tall man in the doorway. Despite his height, his face was very childlike, and he was currently sporting a very large grin on his face.

“Hi, I’m Lucas!”

Xiaojun also recoiled from the volume of his voice. However, he put a smile on his face.

“Hi, I’m Xiaojun! But you can call me XJ.”

“Xiaojun? Are you Chinese?”

Xiaojun nodded. Lucas didn’t look very stereotypically Chinese. His eyes were double lidded and big. His nose was high and tall. However, Lucas’s large smile grew even bigger.

“I’m from Hong Kong! Well, my mom is Thai, but I grew up speaking Cantonese before they sent me to an international boarding school to learn English. Is it okay if I call you Xiaojun instead? It’s more comfortable for me, but only if you’re comfortable with it. It’s also such a pretty name, too. Oh, I gotta bring my stuff in. Looks like you already settled down!”

With that, Lucas ran off to bring more bags up to their room. Xiaojun merely stood there in shock. There was a lot that his roommate threw at him, but Xiaojun was only repeating the one phrase that mattered to him.

_ “It’s also such a pretty name. It’s also such a pretty name. It’s also such a pretty name.” _

_ My name...is pretty? Someone thinks Xiaojun is pretty? _

Another voice in his head spoke up, leading to a tug of war of voices.

_ Lucas is also very pretty. _

_ Shut up, Lucas isn’t a girl? _

_ So? _

Lucas came back huffing with more bags. Xiaojun reached forward to help, but Lucas quickly shooed him off.

“It’s okay I got it. I need to work out anyways. I haven’t been able to hit the gym recently.”

Lucas brought in all his bags and just sat on his bed panting. Xiaojun just stood in the middle of the room and stared. Then, Lucas pulled off his shirt and began to start unpacking.

Xiaojun’s mouth opened and he continued to stare. Lucas had a very nice body. Muscled and defined, he did not look like someone who had not been able to hit the gym. Then, the little voice came back.

_ So. You were saying about Lucas not being a girl? _

_ Shut up.  _

The thought of him finding Lucas attractive shook him out of his reverie.

“Hey Lucas, is there anything I can do to help. I’m not really doing anything.”

Lucas turned with that same infectious smile.

“Nah it’s all good Xiaojun. I might be making some noise and stuff, so if you want to leave the room you can.”

Xiaojun only nodded, appreciating the way his name sounded coming off of Lucas’s tongue. Not only was it the first time in a while that someone had said his name, it was also the fact that Lucas was familiar with the way his name should be said. He had spent so long associating his name with the bullying he endured when he was younger, with being unwanted and different. But now, with Lucas saying it, it reminded him of home and gave him some comfort. Xiaojun could feel his cheeks warming with content. Realizing that he was just standing in the middle of the room while Lucas was trying to move in, Xiaojun stepped to his desk, brought out a small sticky note and wrote down his number.

“Hey, I’m gonna get out of your way just so you have full space to move in. Here’s my number. Text me if you need help or anything.”

Lucas looked down at the sticky note. A small grin formed on his face and he straightened up and saluted Xiaojun.

“Aye, aye captain! I promise not to destroy the room.”

The way Lucas looked at him with such enthusiasm and warmth was doing things to Xiaojun, so, without another word, he hurried off out of the room.


	3. Chapter 3

Once outside, Xiaojun took some deep breaths. He wasn’t really planning on leaving the room so abruptly, and now, he had nothing to do.

_ Might as well get started looking for my classes for tomorrow _ .

Xiaojun pulled out his phone and began to find the buildings for his class schedule. Despite being a music major, he still had to take a few required general education classes. He had already picked all his classes with enough time in between to travel and do some last minute homework or studying, but he had no sense of location of the actual campus. Some of the general classes were located right next to the freshman dorms; however, his music classes were all in another building in the middle of campus. He felt like he was walking around in circles trying to find it. At this point, he was aimlessly walking down a path, simultaneously looking for his music building while also praying that he wasn’t lost. By the time the path cleared out, he found a whole section of academic buildings. As he walked around, he found the music building. Breaking out into a smile, he entered the building that he hoped would be his home for the next four years. As he walked, he could hear a faint singing voice coming from one of the classrooms. He began to walk closer to the voice until he found a door that was left only slightly open, allowing sound to pass through. He pushed open the door hesitantly to find a man at the piano playing and singing. Xiaojun was so in awe of his voice that he didn’t even notice the attractiveness of the man’s face. As he stared, he noticed the delicate lines and features that made up the other face. He was so caught up in the staring that he didn’t even notice the man staring straight at him. It was only until the man stood up that Xiaojun was pulled out of his thoughts.

“Um...hi. Sorry I was just getting used to the buildings here and heard your voice. You sounded really good!”

The man smiled softly.

“It’s all good. I was just preparing for my class tomorrow.”

“You’re a professor?”

“Graduate student. My name is Kun. Qian Kun.”

Xiaojun took a double step.

“You’re Chinese? My name is Xiaojun! You can call me XJ, if that’s too hard though.”

“Xiaojun is just fine with me.”

Kun smiled a warm smile and continued.

“I know what it must be like trying to fit in. Getting teased for your name. Getting teased for your lunch. I’ve been there. I went through the same thing. It wasn’t until I came to college that I really began to see myself for who I was. I hope it works out for you too.”

With that, Kun began packing up his things. Xiaojun, stunned by the words he just heard, slowly turned around and exited. So many years of his life he had spent being a stranger, and in the less than 24 hours that he was at university, he had already found two people who made him feel like he finally belonged somewhere.

_ Two very attractive people. _

_ Shut up. _


End file.
